“He Stole My Ball!”: How to Mediate Kid Conflict
Last week, I mentioned that my Grade 3 students hadn’t had a full year of face-to-face learning since Kindergarten. As we are approaching the last quarter of the year and a week from Spring Break, I have noticed an increase in conflicts between students. I think it has to do with the novelty of being together wearing off and the tiredness that comes with the end of the year. I have been thinking a lot about conflict resolution and what works for me.
My classroom management style is student-directed or person-centered focusing on developing a strong classroom community to help students see the benefits of making wise decisions (Levin et al., 90). Additionally, I view arguments between students as a learning opportunity, and a chance for students to practice the interpersonal skills we learn in class (Levin et al., 93).
It is a big deal.
Anytime there is a conflict with my kids, I treat it as serious business because to the kids it is a big deal. Of course, if an adult was freaking out because someone was not sharing the ball the way they wanted, I probably wouldn’t have the same patience. Kids have a limited scope of experience. Dismissing their feelings or trying to minimize the event robs the kids of the opportunity to learn how to resolve disputes. As a teacher, I feel that these are opportunities to teach kids how to work together, manage their own emotions, and think of how their behavior impacts others. Starting from the point of acknowledging that whatever has happened is upsetting gives them space to practice these skills.
Get down to their level.
Crouching down might seem incredibly obvious, but bringing yourself to their eye level helps make a connection with the kids. Crouch, kneel, sit, and they stand, both sit on the carpet…whatever. Just be at their level. It shows that you are present and listening. Think about how you feel when you are sitting, and someone is standing above you; now take the power dynamic of being a kid and having a grown-up tower over you. You want to de-escalate the situation, not make anyone feel like they are “in trouble.”
Bring down emotions
Chances are you are responding to an emotional response—crying, yelling, hitting, flailing—and that is why you are now mediating. The big emotions mean the amygdala is in charge. The frontal lobes are not online, and logical thinking is almost impossible. Before trying to get anybody talking, we need to create a feeling of safety. Unless physical safety is a concern, move calmly and speak low. We use mindfulness in my classroom a lot, so I will have my students take three slow breaths before we begin talking.
Direct the Conversation
Once the kids can speak with relative calmness, now it’s time to let the kids explain their positions. I give each child a chance to speak and make sure to let them finish. It’s as easy as “You will have/had a turn to speak. It’s _____’s turn now.”
Stick to the Facts and Acknowledge Feelings
Instead of using words like “punch,” “kick,” or “shove,” I describe actions as I saw them or as they are shown to me. Something like, “You put your hands on their back and stepped forward like this?” Using neutral language removes arguing about the perceived meaning of a word and allows us to focus on the impact of the action. If both kids did something aggressive, I will do the same thing for both kids.
The second step is to acknowledge and empathize with the students about how the actions made them feel. Empathizing creates trust. It can be as simple as “I bet that hurt your feelings,” or “I can see why that would make you feel angry.”
There are plenty of times when words will be the problem. Again, focus on the impact over the intention.
Ask the Kids How to Fix it.
This part can happen only once the kids agree on the events and have at least minimal understanding of how the other person feels. Usually, you can sense this with a change in body language.
Many times the kids will start with what they can do next time. As we work towards helping kids improve their interpersonal skills, acknowledge any good ideas they share. Some ideas that kids might come up with are walking away, taking turns, listening when someone asks to stop, or finding an adult if they can’t solve the problem.
These don’t help repair what has prompted the current discussion. Bring the conversation back to what has happened and how the other student can fix it by asking: “What will help you feel better? What can you do to make it better for the other person?” It is rare that only one child has done something hurtful. If that is the case, I direct these questions only to the child who was hurt.
Sometimes they will apologize. Sometimes they won’t. This week I had a conflict between two Grade 1 kids who solved the problem by saying, “I won’t throw something at you again,” and “I want to be friends again.” They both walked into class with arms around each other. They didn’t need an apology, and they learned from the experience.
Of course, there are situations where the hurt person might want an apology. There are also more severe situations where an apology might be necessary.
Thoughts on Apologies.
Yes, we want kids to apologize, but how good does it feel when someone has been forced to apologize to you? I think we can all agree: not great. I won’t say I have never asked a kid to apologize because I’m a work in progress, but those times are never as effective as letting the kids get to the point where they choose to apologize.
It is also not a get-out-of-jail-free card. How often have you pulled a kid aside either because you witnessed, or a student told you about, an incident and before you can address it, the quick “sorry” is mumbled? The apology has become meaningless for everybody and is now being said to jump to the end of the conversation.
Teaching the Apology in Context.
Take a moment to explain the purpose of an apology. Explain it is admitting that harm was caused, an understanding of how the action caused harm, and committing to being better. I use the following sentence frames:
“I’m sorry for _______________.”
“It was wrong because _____________.”
“It won’t happen again.”
Usually, the response is “It’s okay,” though I don’t force this either. If I see that a kid isn’t okay, I give them the option to say, “Thank you.”
The Benefits to Learning.
Does following these steps take time? Sometimes. I would say it usually doesn’t take longer than five minutes. Conflicts are a part of being part of a community. Resolving them is not something that we humans are born knowing. Taking the time to work through a conversation with kids when they disagree or are in conflict is helping them develop their conflict resolution skills, emotional intelligence, and empathy. All things that will help them succeed later in life.
Additionally, when kids are focused on unresolved conflict, they will come back to class with negative emotions. As better learning outcomes are associated with positive feelings, it is in the student’s best interest to help solve conflicts. By addressing their concerns, helping to manage their emotions, and bringing them back to class in a better mindset, they will be in a better place to learn.
Resources
Levin, James et. al. Principles of Classroom Management: A Professional Decision-Making Model. Toronto: Pearson Canada, 2012.
McKay, Sarah. “How Does the Brain Process Emotions?” Dr. Sarah McKay, March 24, 2020. https://drsarahmckay.com/brain-process-emotions/.